Sunday, March 27, 2011

6 Months to Reality

We are officially nearing the 6 month mark of Jesse’s Deployment(seems like a little lame since that still means 6 MORE months…but it’s the small things). Unfortunately, my excitement is a little overshadowed by anxiety. Weird, I know! What kind of wife am I that I am a little more anxious than excited for my husband’s looming R and R time or return home after this deployment? However, I am not THAT wife; my anxiety comes from somewhere different. I’m nervous because all I can think about is the goals that I set for myself to reach before Jesse came back. I wanted to be the wife he fell in love with. I wanted to get back to my pre babies body and get that self esteem back. I also wanted that comfort and high energy back, and to be a better wife and mother. As the time of Jesse’s return looms closer I start to get anxious that I haven’t achieved a darn thing. I have become obsessed with numbers, pounds, calories, input and output, and I still feel like it’s not enough and too much at the same time. Why is that I have dropped 4 Dress sizes since starting this journey, and yet it’s still not enough to make me happy, or proud?? What has become of women these days that we are constantly reaching for perhaps something that is unattainable? Shouldn’t I be happy that I am eating well, I am wearing clothes I haven’t in years?…heck I put on a sweatshirt today that I haven’t worn since my honeymoon!! Granted it’s a little snug, but months ago I couldn’t even get it over my chest!! All I can think about though is the pants I have I still don’t fit in…the fact not a pound has been lost according to the scales, and the double chin and preggo looking bulge that still rear their ugly heads in my photos. How messed up is this process?
I feel lately that I will never be the size I want to be in my head. Let’s get real…I am approaching thirty at a very rapid pace, I have the schedule of a maniac, I have two kids that I am constantly running after and because of said kids there are things on my body that will NEVER be the same.  Why do I feel like I should be tiny to be satisfied? Shouldn’t we live in a society where if someone lives a healthy and active lifestyle, they shouldn’t have to be a size 2 to feel “comfortable”? I hate that I see cute clothes and feel like they just don’t “fit right” on me so I still run around in frumpy clothes I’ve had since I got pregnant with Tristan so they’re threadbare, stretched out and saggy, and probably make me look and feel worse than any new outfit would? It should be noted that my issues aren’t with my husband. He doesn’t need me to lose a single pound, but only wants me to be able to look in the mirror and see the sexy babe that he sees, at any size. It doesn’t lie with my parents…my uber supportive Mother tells me everyday I’ve come so far,  I look great and need to just focus on how my change in lifestyle has made me feel.  I guess I’m reaching this point where one thing needs to change and it’s not what I’m doing, it’s how I’m thinking. I’m writing this for people to read so if someone else is thinking like this with me they think about the big issue seriously. Perhaps the reason we feel we look so bad to others, is because we THINK we look bad to others.  I am going to try to be like those people who wear anything no matter their size because they don’t care about what people think, because they feel beautiful. I am going to start to stop focusing on this “I’m going to do this when I get to _ size”, “I like that outfit, but I’m going to get it when I drop one more size”…when will I be enough at this rate?? I am going to start today embracing the idea that I am a Mom of two beautiful children, who whether I like it or not have made changes to my body that make it so I will never look like I did in High-school.  But that is ok because my husband still adores me and the body I think is so gross. So as Jesse gets closer to getting home, I’m adapting my goal a little…I don’t need to lose _ more pounds, I need to just maintain this healthy lifestyle, reinforce my inner beauty, and just be comfortable with what does or doesn’t happen. If I continuously strive to be smaller and smaller, when will I ever be satisfied?  This is not the example I want for Brianna. I want a daughter who feels that she is gorgeous NO MATTER WHAT. I need to start setting the example for her and for me. She will never learn to embrace her own beauty if she spends her life watching her mother try and find hers. I need to start feeling sexy inside in order to be sexy outside. All I really want is for Jesse to come home to a sexy wife…and I ‘m almost positive I don’t need to be the same size as high-school or even pre baby for him to think I’m sexyJ. It’s time for me to be enough, for myself, so I can feel that I am enough for my husband and kids.