My week was quite a dousy! I can say with much certainty that a deployment for however long is quite possibly the World’s Largest rollercoaster (of emotions obviously!) I was nothing short of a disoriented hot mess this past week, and I think I have cried in public this past week, more than I have in my 26 years of life. It all started on Monday when my sweet, loving husband misspoke. I’m just saying that he misspoke because I’m still processing the denial and am still trying to accept that there may have been a little truth to his “observations”. Long story short, the man pointed out that at 12 PM I was still sitting on the couch in a messy house, in my pjs, with kids still rocking theirs too. He hinted that perhaps I just may be allowing myself to become too lax…that perhaps the kids may need more from me too. So this was phase one of my emotional journey. I started the week a little bitter, and annoyed. Any other wives of deployed spouses find that their hubbies always have the “solution”? These brilliant methods that sound awesome in theory and “so easy” that will solve it all? ARGGH! I find that I too would probably be the best disciplining, planning etc. too if I had peace and quiet in my free time. But here’s where I started really falling apart.
I mailed a card to my Grandma from the kids and I for her Birthday and forgot to address the card, both return and addressee! All it had on it was The Lemons in the corner and Grandma Glenda on the front….genius. Not to mention we started the journey of potty training with Tristan. I cried when Tristan went potty for the first time in a long time because I realized how much Jesse was truly missing out on, there I was dancing and celebrating…alone. To add salt to well…tears I guess, Tristan said “My Daddy is going be sooo proud me! Can we talk Dad on TV?” The days came and gone and I found myself crying on Tuesday because I just lost my patience and willpower throughout the day with the kiddos…just one of those days where the Mommy in me had vacated the building and these two little monsters were taking over! I swear the kids chose the one day I am in my worst mood to be the biggest brats ha-ha, or it just seems that way because they are just mimicking my mood…either way we were struggling to get alongJ. Wednesday finally rolled around, and this meant Mom day. Although I had high hopes of a very low impact emotion day it became the opposite. I took myself to lunch and while standing in line at Panera I saw a man in uniform walk in holding hands with this adorable little girl about maybe 3…she looked at her Daddy and said “I’m so glad you came home so we could have a date”…I cried. Lame I hate crying in public, I always have but there I was trying to casually brush tears away like it was no big deal. I thought the crying was most definitely over then and there. So I went to Target and thought I’d buy a card for Jesse’s birthday. This is something I usually love to do, because I adore my husband and I love to spoil him any chance I get (I really am not making this part up…I still gush over him…most of the time). Anyways, as I’m going through the cards I come across this one that starts with “I love sitting on the couch watching movies with after the kids are in bed”… “I love holding your hand in the car going nowhere in particular”… “I love kissing you after work asking you how your day went”…and “I love watching our children play together with you on a summer afternoon”…blah blah blah. I didn’t get through the rest because there I stood in the card aisle blubbering like a little baby. This stupid Hallmark card pointed out a lot of things I adore about my husband, but it also made it very obvious all the things I’ve been going without all this deployment. Things you miss here and there on the “bad days” but otherwise you forget in the chaos of trying to keep your head above water. The worst part about crying in public AGAIN(I swear I’m really not into crying) was this almost 80 year old woman came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Are you going to be alright dear…those Hallmark cards aren’t all that bad??” No, but my emotional state obviously is! I didn’t say that of course, I simply thanked her for her concern wiped my tears and continued shopping in emotional shameJ.
But on the bright side the roller coaster is finally taking us up. Of course not before I eyeballed a few maternity outfits in the lounge wear section at Target. I was really debating purchasing them, until I realized wait…these are nursing snaps on the top and that’s for sure way too big of an elastic for regular pants. My inner fatass needs a good beat down!! (But seriously why would anyone NOT want stretchy everything ;)) Tristan started singing to the radio in the truck which I adore. Brianna reaches for Tristan’s hand almost every outing we go on. But the biggest “ups” this week? When I heard Tristan say to Brianna “Hold my hand sister. It’s ok I here protect you, keep you safe from Monsters” and when he kissed me during the storm the other night and said “I here protect you, and Bnana (Brianna) and keep you safe for Daddy…I be big kid so Daddy can do work”<3 My little man is sometimes braver and stronger through all this than I ever thought he’d be…and more so than myself some days. I cried that night too as I tucked him in…but not because I was a hot mess anymore(well still kind of),but because I think we’re doing a damn good job riding this roller coaster… tears in Target and all.